I had an amazing weekend just being with God and people who also love God. It just makes me love Jesus even more. The thing is though, I still have issues sharing with other people in groups. I just feel like crying every time, so I try to back it off a bit. I guess I’m most comfortable sharing in groups of three at the most.

After getting back my camera broke and my mom was being very difficult, and all this just made me deeply sad. I couldn’t help it. It may seem like nothing, but it hurts in ways that I cannot stop. The camera thing is okay, I just can’t take pictures with subjects in far distances since the part where I can focus is broken. I might go to the camera shop later this week. I guess with my mom yelling at me as usual, and it being one of the few things she says to me, just made me snap. I would not be treated this way without being upset. It takes a real effort to stay calm and I was very tired. I simply didn’t have the energy.

I made a promise to God that I would read the bible everyday, because it’s hard for me to take the time to do that. I keep forgetting so I have been breaking that promise. I decided that I would start with a verse or a chapter of Mathew first and then gradually increase the amount. I hope someone can keep me accountable for that, but I haven’t told anybody yet. I have been relying too much on music to help me feel better, I guess…but I still think of God and what he wants to speak to me whenever I do.

agh! i have a test in korean tomorrow and I haven’t studied. I better get going on that…

I’ve been listening to the soundtrack of this rather strange and almost perverted movie… but I haven’t seen it yet because it just came out. But I really like the director and the only thing that would tone down the pervert factor of the movie would be the acting and the meaning behind of the movie. It’s quite interesting actually. Ah! i forgot to say what movie… it’s called Air Doll by Hirokazu kore-eda. I loved the movie Nobody Knows, which is also by Hirokazu Koreeda. The soundtrack is composed by World’s End Girlfriend. Really cool music. My favorite is 光を映す影. It’s really easy to get the soundtrack online, which is somewhat unfortunate… but it’s really hard to buy it or find it at a regular store. You can’t even find the soundtrack on youtube, and I don’t want to risk my account to post it on youtube.

I really want a Diana F+, the instant back, the 35 mm back, and also a ring flash. It would be so cool to have a ring flash! I might get a ring flash before getting a  Diana F+… hopefully I can find one on sale at urban or some camera store because at the moment I’m somewhat banned from online shopping.

I just had a midterm in art history and I feel like I should have gotten more sleep. And a couple hours after the test I realized i misunderstood the last question, which consisted of many points. I hope I can study better in the future and perhaps do better on future tests. After this horrible test day, I don’t think I would really want to pursue Art history as a major. I really enjoyed Japanese art history, but western art history just didn’t do it for me for reason. I used to love Egyptian and Greek/Roman mythology. I still do. It’s so strange. Oh well…but I would really like to minor in Korean Studies. That would be cool… but what would I major in? English? I have no idea anymore.

Anyways, here’s another poem I wrote the other day….

untitled

strange creatures passed me by today
rising up from the depths of the earth
rather unexpectedly, as if they have been living
below the earthly seas beneath us,
full of frothy foam and flowers.

Where have you been all of my life?
Have you been hiding beneath the leaves,
yellow leaves that blink black spots
under an umbrella of green and brown?
or perhaps a nice shade of orange and red?

I wrote this the day before school started…

This strange mixture of dread, excitement and hope comes bumbling forth, coming up from my throat like Artemis rising from Zeus’ head, charging into life full grown and in costume. Dun dun dun! Yep, it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day and I’m feeling good. But then I realize how quiet my house is and I know that I am utterly alone. Everyone is sleeping and it’s 5:10 pm. I never knew that I missed being with my friends this much. I tell myself, God is with me and that should be more than enough. The grey cloudy heavens do not help my mood. I used to love the cold weather, the musty winds of the northwest. I always was content in being alone. I need my alone time, and yet too much alone time can get quite lonely. Especially when the only person I talked to today was for 10 minutes. Maybe it’s because I’ve been spending more and more time with people and before I was just used to being alone for long periods of time because it was normal.

I am so unmotivated to do work right now. I feel a little sad again, but mostly lonely. I don’t even know why because I just saw so many people whom I love for the last couple days.

I recently saw Bright Star on Friday, and as I look back on what I thought of it; it was a disappointment. I love movies with beautiful soundtrack, but most of Bright Star didn’t have a distinct sound to it except for a couple songs. The trailer enticed me and got me all worked up for the movie. It was as if the trailer was the whole movie, except really short, but they cut out the ending. I was surprised by the humor that was in the movie. I believe the trailer affected me more than the movie did. I have seen Jane Campion’s The Piano, and I feel like there was much more at stake in that movie even though I was turned off by the nudity and sex.

Bright Star was a beautiful movie and was quite lovely, but it lacked depth. Despite the lovely cinematography, which was complimented with the beautiful landscape, flowers, and costumes, the story itself was not believable. In many ways, I did not like the actress’s acting, which was sometimes due to the script. It was uncomfortable rather than sad while watching the character Fanny Brawne cry after finding out John Keats was leaving, and I felt annoyed with the character as she gradually became obsessed with him, especially the part where she says “When I don’t hear from him, it’s as if I died, as if the air has been sucked out from my lungs.” It was strange watching the actors play the romantic leads because the actor who played Keats looked very skinny compared to the actress. I think the actress just has a larger bone structure, but it was strange to see.

I am considering buying the dvd because of the beautiful cinematography and the wonderful poetry that is sprinkled throughout the movie. The parts that I did enjoy and appreciate were sometimes the more quiet ones, where the actors did not talk at all. The scenes where Fanny Brawne reads Keats’ letters, when Keats is by himself writing poetry, the jealous scene between Keats, Brawne, and Brown, and also when Keats leans toward the wall, knocks, and Brawne leans in on the other side. The only believable and sad scene was toward the end where Brawne finds out about Keats’ death. The ending was the only totally continuous part that was believable and the only part where I almost cried.

This movie was beautiful but it was a bit too slow for me and the actions of the character’s romance seemed too fast and unbelievable because there weren’t that many scenes of them doing anything except bemoaning their separation, Keats’ sickness, and their strange relationship with Brown. I believe that there should have been more conflict, perhaps something more darker involved in which they would endeavor to fight.

When I heard the song “Our Love is Easy” sung by Melody Gardot, I immediately thought of Bright Star. I love that song. The beginning of that song reminds me of the song Adagio from the 2046 soundtrack.

I finally developed my first roll of film yesterday from my blackbird fly camera and was impressed with the results, considering that I didn’t really pay attention and just shot whatever, whenever. i realized that the images turned out best when it was really sunny which was somewhat obvious since I didn’t have a flash. duh. but still… i wanted to try it out in different lighting. I’m definitely going to try to take more pictures in the future, paying more attention to the subject matter and the lighting this time so I won’t waste film. Here’s a couple samples.

I realized after developing the photos that the camera gives a vignetting kind of effect. And it was really sunny that day, so I really liked the color tone the camera gave the photo.

Today reminds me of summer, with the sun shinning through the blue sky and the wind blowing the trees as if they had hair. I remember when I was younger, perhaps in the elementary or middle school, I felt this strange feeling of awe with a mix of nostalgia and sadness. What I saw was so beautiful and yet I knew it was only momentary and as I looked around me I seemed to be alone. This feeling didn’t come to me during this summer, until today. I remember feeling this when I went to Japan or Hong Kong and another time when our whole class in middle school went camping. Another time I felt this was when I was reading a really cool book about other fictional worlds, which was probably more about science fiction than reality. I think the books I was reading were Harry Potter, Alanna series, and Dune. I guess I got the same feeling when I saw the movie The Road Home with Zhang Zi Yi last year in film class. There was this other time in high school during the spring and it was sunny, my friend and I were laying in the grassy field as the track team practiced. It was a time when time didn’t really matter and school was not stressful.

I feel this way today. I am alone and the sun is shining. The trees bend over the wind as their hair is swept into the west. Thank you God, for giving me such beautiful memories.

Listening to: Valon-1 by Salyu

I think this song reflects what I feel right now. Not the meaning/lyrics of the song, but rather the music. Actually a lot of Salyu’s music from her Lily Chou Chou album gives out a similar vibe, like the song Arabesque. For some reason, of late I have been listening to the song Creep by Radiohead.

Oh yeah, I finally found out the movie title of a movie I saw a long time ago. It’s called the Bible Collection. I saw the first three parts of the series and I thought it was really good. I haven’t seen the whole thing, but I really liked it. I saw the Joseph, Abraham and Jacob parts of the collection. I didn’t realize Ben Kingsley was in the movies until I saw his name in the credits. After watching this series, the old testament really stuck in my mind and the stories in that are in the book of Genesis.

Right now I’m taking Korean, Art History, and Dxarts at the University of Washington. I love all of my classes at the moment, except Dxarts is a bit abstract for me at the moment. Though maybe my sickness has taken the enjoyment out of my classes. My mom thinks I have Pneumonia. But then she thought I had the H1N1 virus also, which I obviously don’t have. So I have no idea. I just hope to get better by tomorrow. I still have a slight cough though.

Another poem I wrote the other day:

Am I meant to have this affliction?
Would it ever
go away?
should I hold your hand,
even though you don’t exist
not physically
not tangible
in this world
except through others
like a go between

seeing you becomes difficult
to comprehend.
to see.

I only see glimpses of you
through strips of cloth
red, vibrant and bright
like the future you have planned
it covers my vision
coloring everything blue
staining the flowers
soaking it in warm water

with light so beautiful
that it hurts so much
inside somewhere
between the lungs
my ribs, my heart.

thank you
I love the blue sky
so much, thank you
thank you
I can never thank you
enough.
When the needles
the interruptions, the sounds
invade, please help me remember
everything is according to plan

let me be your tool
let me be a part of it
whether it be small or big
let me be apart of it
please?

And Here’s a poem that I read a couple weeks ago that I liked:

A visit by ELAINE FEINSTEIN

I still remember love like another country
with an almost forgotten landscape
of salty skin and a dry mouth. I think
there was always a temptation to escape
from the violence of that sun, the sudden
insignificance of ambition,
the prowl of jealousy like a witch’s cat .

Last night I was sailing in my sleep
like an old seafarer , with scurvy
colouring my thoughts , there was moonlight
and ice on green waters.
Hallucinations. Dangerous nostalgia.
And early this morning you whispered
as if you were lying softly at my side:

Are you still angry with me ? And spoke my
name with so much tenderness, I cried.
I never reproached you much
that I remember, not even when I should;
to me, you were the boy in Ravel’s garden
who always longed to be good,
as the forest creatures knew, and so do I.

Oh, I finally finished my first roll of film out of my blackbird superfly camera. Hopefully it’ll turn out okay. The film from my Holga didn’t turn out as wonderful as I expected mostly due to a bad focus… but oh well. maybe next time.

I know this is random, but here it goes…

I just saw Paolo Nutini in concert last week in Seattle and it was wonderful. The band was amazing and I love the bluegrass, blues, and country combination of music. I tell you, he sounds much better live. It was simply wonderful. I heard a song before the concert, but it was a bit crude so I didn’t like it. The song was called Laid by James. But the singer’s voice and the tune was nice. It reminded me of Billy Joel. I like Billy Joel, mostly because he’s like Elton John. I like singer’s voices when they were younger and popular. When they’re old, they don’t sound the same.

Have you been on this website? http://www.fubiz.net/ It’s like notcot.com. Mostly design related stuff.

I saw America’s got talent and listened to this one girl sing, and I thought it was a pity she got eliminated. She was so good!  Here’s her myspace page, but it’s a bit busy with stuff so I think it’s better to just look on youtube.

http://www.myspace.com/thialmegia

Washi update:

Here’s a book my friend bought for me when she went to Taiwan. It’s nice that this book is bilingual, but I was looking for flat dolls because they’re easier to store. But this book is pretty cool nonetheless. It’s also very cute. They make good cake toppers, according to some people who makes alot of these. This book is probably more Chinese than Japanese, mostly because it’s written by a Chinese person. I could tell from the author photograph in the background she also makes Japanese paper dolls. I wish I had the other books about flat dolls though, mostly because they show how to make Chinese costumes which are interesting also.

I also recently made a paper doll, as shown below. It’s rather big actually, almost filling out the 8.5 by 11 frame there. From the picture in the book I followed, I couldn’t really tell the size of it and I was skeptic at first by the measurements. I was like, wow that’s alot of paper… yeah. This doll is called hana yome san or 花嫁さん, which means a Japanese bride or simply, a bride. I made this for a friend, which I hope she won’t see this because I will give it to her in a couple days.

To be honest, I messed up on the headdress and so I cut out a couple cranes and pasted it on the hat to cover it up.  I also didn’t put as many golden details as in the book because it wouldn’t stick. I don’t have as much patience so I decided to leave it as it is. I bought the background paper thing from the University of Washington bookstore on a whim and I thought it would make a nice background. The paper is probably more European, and reminds me of those Victorian era wallpaper. I don’t know, I just thought it was pretty. I also tried to convey a sense that there was a whole bunch of cherry blossoms in the corner and the wind was blowing the blossoms to the ground. I tried, but I’m not sure if it totally worked. It also took me a long time to get the face right, as in the book.

Bright Star

Okay, I just saw the trailer for Bright Star, about the romance between John Keats and Fanny Brawne, and I have been desperately wanting to watch it since I saw the trailer. I have not yet. Sadness.

The movie seems to be quite lovely, from the trailer that is. My mom said she heard about it last week and I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. She knows how much I simply love love love historical movies, especially romantic ones. I simply love this letter in which the trailer takes the quote at the end from (I italicized my favorite parts):

” I do not know how clastic my spirit might be, what pleasure I might have in living here and breathing and wandering as free as a stag about this beautiful Coast if the remembrance of you did not so weigh upon me. I have never known any unalloy’d Happiness for many days together: the death or sickness of some one has always spoilt my hours — and now when none such troubles oppress me, it is you must confess very hard that another sort of pain should haunt me. Ask yourself my love whether you are not very cruel to have so entrammelled me, so destroyed my freedom. Will you confess this in the Letter you must write immediately, and do all you can to console me in it — make it rich as a draught of poppies to intoxicate me — write the softest words and kiss them that I may at least touch my lips where yours have been. For myself I know not how to express my devotion to so fair a form; I want a brighter word than bright, a fairer word than fair. I almost wish we were butterflies and liv’d but three summer days- three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain….”

-John Keats, Letters to Fanny Brawne, [Thursday July i, 1819].

I also love the poem that the title of the movie is taken from:

Bright Star By John Keats
Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art–
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature’s patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth’s human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors–
No–yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow’d upon my fair love’s ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever–or else swoon to death.

Hiatus

Well, school is starting soon, so I may not update this blog very often, maybe once every month or so. I might post something once in a while, but life just gets in the way. hahaha…

Many things factor into the fact that I probably won’t be able to bake very often either mostly due to money, allergies, and time. Whenever I bake I get these rashes and it kind of gets worse. I take these immune suppressive medicine because of it and I’m trying to tone it down so the baking doesn’t help either. After spending two days of baking a whole bunch and having more whipping cream that I need, I think it’s best I don’t bake for a while. Check back once in a while though!

梁其詩 (my chinese name)

Here’s a picture of the mormon temple. Quite beautiful and a bit intimidating. I wonder who pays for all this. It seems to be a lot of upkeep.

Beautiful tropical looking flowers.

I like how these flowers are kind of like weeds and are wildly shaped and curvy.

These are lovely flowers, very magenta. I love how the white in the middle contrasts with the bright magenta.

This plant is interesting because it’s round and spiky. I like shape of it, it reminds me of fireworks.

Cute plants.

I kind of wish I lived in this house. It’s really beautiful. I would be paranoid about the bugs and flowers surrounding my house though. You can see it starts to grow on the roof. But its still beautiful. This is my dad’s cousin’s neighbor’s house.

These cactus reminds me of stars.

Lovely roses. It reminds me of French or English gardens.

Bamboo!

Fuzzy plant I saw at my dad’s cousin’s house.

Here’s a beautiful flower I found at the Mormon temple. ah! these are the flowers with the beautiful leaves!

The Catholic church we went to for the wedding. It was a beautiful church, very gothic and European. It reminded me of Venice, Italy.

Another totally unrelated post, whilst away in Europe I discovered a tree I love. It’s called Pinus pinea, also called Stone pine or Umbrella pine. You can read about it at wiki here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinus_pinea It’s quite beautiful, its long trunks and the fluffy top just makes me feel happy.

I had said in a previous post that I would post about my trip to California toward the end of August. Well here it is! There’s another post coming up right after this one that I might post around the end of this week or the beginning of next week.

Here’s a great view from the Mormon temple in Oakland of San Francisco and Oakland. Since I am not Mormon, I did not go into the temple but it did provide a great view.

This is also at the Mormon church, I just loved the bush/tree they had planted. I love the shapes it gives, almost like hands trying reach out into the air. It’s like you’re in a sea of people, as if you’re in hell or something and you’re trying to get out.  Okay, maybe my imagination is getting carried away.

These were lovely leaves. I just thought they were beautiful, but I think there were flowers next to them too.

I’m not sure what they’re called, but these were cute little plants. This was at my dad’s cousin’s backyard.

More beautiful plants from the Mormon temple. Lovely flowers.

I love this tree at the mormon temple.

Okay, this was at the reception of the wedding I went to. I thought it was simply lovely, it reminded me of horses and country clubs.

Totally random and having nothing to do with California, but this tree is near these dinosaur tree things in Fremont, Seattle… and if I ever have huge lands and am totally wasteful I would plant these trees along a gravel pathway.

I thought this plant was pretty. I found this at a open house in California.

I wrote these poems within the last month.

Poem 1: Wind

blowing bubbles
throwing baubles in the air
always laughing

Do we sleep with our eyes
closed?
eat without forks?

How can she stop
How can she stop?

Pwuh pwuh pwuh
How can you throw it away?

throw it away.

Blow the candle this way
blow blow blow
kill it with your hands
all the better
leave this wretched place
follow the creator
all your life
Be yourself
Be the rules
Be like the mother.

They’re only clothes
only cotton
stretch the hole
until it’s wide

until it’s too wide
and free
until, until it becomes two.

Poem 2: Contract

How does this happen?
it clenches clenches
releases releases and releases
until it just lets go
onto the river
giving up on this thing
the goals, the money, the polite
conversation
Oh Jesus just take me away
You’re the only one there
we run run and run and run

I can’t seem to let go
this dark mark inside me
it keeps growing
it keeps sticking to my heart
and so I continue to hold it
to my heart
to my body
until it sinks into my skin
staining deep
like tie dye in the summer
Why can’t I let go?
It’s so ugly, why can’t I let it go?

We will forgive
We will not be injured
Like a hunter’s spear
The piercing hawk
The hungry bear.

We become the water
the fish oil to our skin
and heal with a healer’s help
until we become almost full
almost whole
almost loved
so we can live
without remorse or excuses.

Poem 3: Love

I know it’s nonexistent, don’t worry
the fishes in my body have come to terms
with it, accepted as one accepts without
having a transplant reject the body
through infection,
jumping red hot and ready to leave

No no no, this loss that I never had
has learned to sing to my tune
has become a part of me
only to come back one day
in a bad memory

close his eyes, put coins on their lids
golden ones, that shine only in the sun
eat honey cakes and cross the river
see the worms intruding
protruding in my life

your voice is like magic
they hear the hum of vocal chords
telling them to rise
beneath the depths of the dirt
smelling of dark bitterness
wood and new life

You can’t hide it
just whisper your secret
into my ears
tell me
I won’t tell
I will forget it by tomorrow

Poem 4: Talking Back

Is this how you treat your parents?
This is how I treat normal people.
What do you do at your Christian meetings?
To heal.
Homeless people are better than you.
What does that mean?
All you do is go on the computer and cell phone.
Click click. That’s all you do. Click click click
Perhaps. I know it’s bad, I’d admit. You’ve got me there. I do read books…
Is that the meaning of your life?
No. Jesus is the meaning of my life.
You’re so old now. So old!
Am I that old? I don’t feel like it.
You should do something.
I do, at least I think so.
Is this a joke?
No. I’m just smiling because I’m nervous. I don’t like yelling.
You just want other people to do things for you.
No, I just want people to help me. To do things with me, for me, because they love me.
If you want me to stop nagging, go and do something.
I don’t know what I can do to make you stop.
When you go to the dorms, they will see how messy you are and won’t be your friends anymore.
Really? Then I don’t really have any real friends if they did that. When that day comes I will be glad to know who my real friends are. Besides, I’ve already gone to the dorms. I don’t believe that happened yet.
That’s embarrassing.
Am I that embarrassing? Maybe I am.
Why do you smile?
Because I want to be happy.
Do you think this is a joke?
No…
Is this a joke?
No…
Is this a joke?
No…
Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?
No, should I be?