Update
Okay, since I’m extremely bored I decided to blog a bit. You know when you’re super tired but not too tired to go to sleep? I’m currently in that state at the moment. I can function but I cannot make good conversation. I would rather be sleeping, but I don’t have to sleep. I can stare into space for like, 20 minutes and not be bothered except that I might actually fall asleep. Well, actually I can’t sleep. I have to be somewhere at 5:30 and I don’t know what I should do. Take pictures of random places at uw? no way.
To update on those who read the last post, I just have to say that it’s not swollen any longer but there’s this strange hole that now occupies what was once a massive swollen thing. It looks like little larvae are living in a nest. I know, gross. but there’s this fear in me, I’m afraid to tell my dermatologist. I know I probably should, but what can he do now? I already showed my regular doctor. I think it’ll be alright. It’s just going to be this ugly scar.
Last year I also had a different kind of skin infection, which is mostly due to my low immune system. I am taking immune suppressive medication for a condition I have so this just makes another thing to add to my unfortunate occurrences to my health list. shoot. I will never get married at this rate. hahaha. Oh well.
For some reason all these interpretations of poems are making me dislike poems I previously liked before. It’s as if the real truth has made it dirty and I dare not touch it or share it again. It makes me feel like i’ve sinned for liking it before in my ignorance.
someone should save me from this boredom, this headache of an existence.
Jesus, relieve me of it.
I need a job, but I am horrible at interviews.
I read this haiku today and I thought it was quite beautiful and heartbreaking.
hot afternoon | Lenard D. Moore
hot afternoon
the squeak of my hands
on my daughter’s coffin
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Lately
I found this description on a medicine related website (google it and you’ll find it):
“Boils are the volcanoes of the human body. They pop up like Popocatepetl and erupt like Etna, cascade like Kilauea and leave a crater akin to Krakatau (east of Java). At no time are they as fine-looking as Fuji.”
I’m seriously in pain, and it’s super gross. I feel gross. It’s embarassingly gross and painful. Please pray for me.
Poem 091216 – I wrote this some weeks ago.
hands up in the air
My hair is flying in the wind
my eyes are closed.
if only we held eyes in our hair
smelling the sea,
the salt.
the loneliness.
pressing our ears onto the dirt,
hearing the earth
filling our heads with the music
of footsteps
the grumbling of mountains
the echoes of our anguish.
walking along the shores
thinking, maybe this is it
maybe I am meant to be alone
I don’t need them
I don’t need love from you
I just need God
But I can’t help it,
I need it.
I miss you.
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Mango Custard and Winter Break
This might be one of my last blog posts in a long time (aka 2-3 months) unless something amazing happens and I just had to write about it. I really need to limit my Internet use. I have decided to stop using facebook until spring break unless something important notifies me through email. I keep thinking about my grades from this past quarter and I can hear my heart go ba-bump in panic. I feel my heart just sink as the realization washes over me. “What have I done?!”, I ask myself. It has not lowered my cumulative gpa too much, but it still has lowered it when I intended to raise it. My left eye has been twitching a lot for the past two weeks and my eye doctor says it is because of stress. I am not sure if I have been under stress lately since I have been on break since last week. Well, the twitching has stopped and has not come back for a couple days now, so I guess I am not as stressed anymore.
I have been looking through my music on my computer and ran across some of Corinne Bailey Rae’s music, and I especially like “Like a Star” and “Put Your Records On”. I’m really excited for her new album though. For some reason it makes me sad listening to these songs, almost in a bittersweet sort of way. Maybe because I am such romantic ideas and yet my life is not dramatic in anyway. I should wipe these ideals out of my mind, but sometimes I cannot help it. I am a coward and have little faith in so many ways. It’s quite sad, but I do not think of it because I hope it doesn’t continue to be true and I try to fight these weaknesses. I usually forget the things that are most unhappy.
I feel that it is good that people do not blog because it shows that they have a better life outside of the computer. It’s nice to read other people’s blogs because sometimes we wouldn’t know what is happening in their lives otherwise. For us sad few who don’t have anything very exciting and no one to talk to, sometimes it’s also good to blog. I feel like bloging makes the mystery of certain people go away and it makes me not want to so that people will talk to me more. But then who would read this blog anyways? Who would want to talk to me? Hahaha… it’s so contradicting. I am a horrible conversationalist anyways.
I am seriously considering trying to minor in Korean studies and someday within the next two years, go to Korea as a student. The exploration seminar looks really interesting because it’s about immigration. Immigration in Korea, you ask? It’s an interesting subject, I think. At least I think that’s the topic… if I’m wrong, then forgive me.
I feel like I have been drifting away from God lately and have become quite depressed over the last two months. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone and it was not good. It got worse from late November to early December, but it became better as finals week approached and I believe I feel a lot better now. It might have started somewhere before fall conference. I do hope that I will do better in school in the future. I have a strange feeling that the medicine is getting to my head.
I wish I could pursue art, but I don’t have much talent or background, which then stomps down on my motivation. But I love learning about culture and people…. But I dislike learning about politics or government unless it has a story behind it. That is one reason I don’t like US history, it does not have as much drama and excitement as European history. For some reason, I have realized that it’s so much more enjoyable for me to learn Asian history and culture than European history or culture. I wonder why, because I grew up in a western culture (aka America) where we are surrounded by European influences. It’s in the architecture, in the literature, and the English language (though it may be quite different from original source, it still is an influence). I don’t know what to major in. Why. I kind of want to do some kind of international studies or English. I love to read, but certain kinds of English text make me hesitate. For my love of poetry, I might endure it because I adore poetry, any kind of poetry. I wish I could major in art history, but my grades in art history aren’t very shiny, not like a new minted penny but rather…. A dirty moldy penny. Hahahah.. . .
I deny that I am a fan of Korean pop music. Am I in denial? I also deny that I don’t really watch Korean dramas. I used to though. But I have broken this statement by watching Will it Snow For Christmas?, starring Go Soo and Han Ye Seul. I don’t particularly like a single Korean singer, but I have finally found a singer. I really like the voice of 2am’s Changmin. Though I have an inclination toward Clazziquai and Tei. I’ve noticed that several Korean dramas like waltzing music. I love waltzing music, which is why I like a lot of their soundtracks. Ahahahahha…. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. Hehehe…. But my musical inclinations are usually toward more American acoustic and indie music or Japanese music like Salyu or REDЯUM.
“Will it Snow For Christmas?” has given me the same feeling as when I watched the snow “Save the Last Dance for me”, which was a great Korean drama. I loved that show. Unfortunately the plot so far in “Will it Snow for Christmas?” has taken a strange turn and I’m not sure if I like it anymore. But I might just continue watching just to see Go soo and also to see what happens. His eyes and his acting are so expressive. It’s so heartbreaking that I have a greater respect for Go Soo’s acting. I also love Dramabeans/Javabean’s recaps. They’re all very entertaining. At first I didn’t want to watch it, but as I read the recaps it just made me want to watch it for myself.
On the subject of Christmas, I had a spent my Christmas at my uncle’s house as usual and even had a skype session with the missing family members who couldn’t come because of Urbana. There was a lot of cookies and funny moments so I had a great time. It’s been a long time and I needed that. Thank you Jesus. Happy Birthday Jesus!
Here are some music that I’ve found lately that I like:
El Cant Dels Ocells by Maria Del Mar Bonet
The Astounding Eyes of Rita by Anouar Brahem
Magical flying bathtub machine by Emma-Lee
To end this post, I will give you this recipe for Mango Custard. I made it for Thanksgiving and people wanted the recipe, so I decided to post it here also.
Mango Custard/Pudding
Makes 15 Cups
Ingredients:
- 28 oz of Mango Puree
-2 cups of whipping cream
-6 cups of cold water
-2 cups of granulated/white sugar
-5 small packs of unflavored plain gelatin
First mix water and sugar over a low to medium heat in a medium size pot until sugar is completely dissolved. Constantly stir the liquid and add the gelatin. Next add the mango puree while still stirring. Take it off the stove and onto a cool surface like a table or something. Then add the whipping cream and stir/mix until completely combined. At the last step, you can pour the yellow liquid into three round containers (like a tart plate or a pie shell container) of your choice and let it cool off. Eventually put it into the refrigerator overnight or until firm like jello.
Note: I bought the Philippine brand of Mango puree that came from a box. Inside the box, it contained a silver plastic package with the mango puree inside. You can also buy Mango puree at an Indian store that comes in a can.
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Tags: mango
I read this poem this morning and I thought it was beautiful.
You know, I think more and more often
by Tadeusz Borowski
You know, I think more and more often
that I should go back.
Maybe I’ll meet you. And happiness?
Happiness is being sad together.
So I look through the moonlit window
and listen.
Nothing. A breeze stirs somewhere.
Alone among the leaves – the moon.
Like a golden wheel it rolls
above the windblown leaves.
Such moons, only paler,
shone over the Wisla.
Even the Big Dipper on its course
stops in a tree at midnight,
just like at home. But why here?
Truly, I don’t know.
What’s here? Longing and sleepless nights,
unknown streets and somebody’s verse.
I live here as a nobody:
a Displaced Person.
I think of you. I know I must leave.
Perhaps we can return to our past,
but I know neither what youth will be like
nor where you are.
But I’m yours or no one’s
forever. Listen,
listen, read this poem
if somewhere you are alive.
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I read this on a blog and really liked it so…
On Etymology
Jennifer Finstrom
Word origins taken from Chambers Dictionary of Etymology
When I learn a word’s history, its meaning
changes; there is no returning from that point.
Of course, we all understand how it is
with moon, the liquid connection
between lunar and lunatic: this is
felt where the blood gutters nearest
the heart. But other words hide their pasts,
keep old selves locked in cupboards,
in medicine cabinets, behind heavy doors.
For example, take focus. This simple word,
only two syllables, that we have come to accept
as a central point. But focus conceals a fiery
precedent. In Latin, it is a hearth or fireplace,
cognate with bosor, Armenian for red.
Johannes Kepler used it in an astronomical text
as the burning point of a lens or mirror.
And as well, there is no going back
to the image of chameleon as lizard. No, now
it exists fierce and golden, Greek
chamailéon or ground lion. This
transition to mammal from reptile
is almost as great as the difference between
blood and the root that lies behind it:
the Old Germanic blodan, possibly to bloom.
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